The English anecdotes

Смешные анекдоты на Английском языке.

One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a
very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said:
"Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the
other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he
said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other
passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his
feet on it."
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A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill
at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told
a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite
different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly.
"Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still
in the hospital with a broken leg."
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Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised
in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a
special prise. One such competition was secretly attended
Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition.
Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the
third prise.
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On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on
his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping
in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can
you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the
garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father,
you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade."
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George the First of England while on journey to his
native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh
horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3
eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred
florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely
be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are
plentiful enough, but kings are rare here."
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A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck
him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the
baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh,
nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to
carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the
counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out
to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the
loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less
to count."
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Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of
Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were
doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their
faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother
sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's
young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes.
"Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going
along the warpath."
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A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the
Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a
scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing
gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the
letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her
time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed
the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the
photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I
wonder, who took the picture?"
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A young man decided to study at military school. Several
days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the
school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you
have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another
wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents
were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man
wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed
suicide 40 minutes ago."
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A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that
you, Americans, have great interest in space flights."
      "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide.
      "I see so many people in the street are looking at the
sky with telescopes."
      "Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They
are drinking beer from bottles."
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The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up.
"Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll
have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an
hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll
be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the
pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he
whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled
the hole in the gas tank?"

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A small boy and his mother are looking through the
family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing
a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks:
"Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", -
answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and
then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian
which is leaving with us now?"
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An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very
complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the
computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail
the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the
computer.
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A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The
doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next
day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think
you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up.
I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the
accident in the newspapers.
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Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and
dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a
child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and
with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist,
answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky
to have his appearancee and her brains.
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The young man approached the counter at which post-cards
were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?"
- "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look
here - "to the only girl I ever loved"
- "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".